Labour and Delivery of my Stillborn Son

Today's post is one that I have very much intended to write about for a long time, but felt as though I needed to describe my entire experience from start to finish to give readers a clear background on our unique experience (for those who haven't seen previous posts: anencephaly, preterm delivery etc).

As a quick catch-up, I had found out at my 20-week anatomy scan that our baby was most likely going to be stillborn due to him having anencephaly, a condition where the neural tube hadn't fully closed, and a significant portion of his brain had developed outside of the skull. I intend to do a more in-depth post about anencephaly in the future, drawing from my own experience and knowledge from doctors that I have been unable to source online. We were told that our baby would most probably be stillborn, but there was a small chance that he may live for a few minutes, in which case they had summarized he wouldn't feel any pain but they would make him as comfortable as possible until he passed away.

My induction was scheduled for a Wednesday, but I was pushed back until Friday due to a huge amount of full-term babies being born. It was mid-September, so I suppose that's what happens when you conceive after a Christmas or New Years party, and clearly unexpected for us, who were planning on delivering early in the following January. Early on Friday morning I was called into the hospital for my induction to begin. I had been induced with my first daughter at 37 weeks, a procedure that involved a foley catheter, steroid injections and lots of pitocin through an IV on the day she was born. I wasn't given any pre-induction medications for my delivery with my son, because he was so small and it was a second pregnancy they felt he could come quickly and since the hospital was so busy I simply arrived on the day and was given doses of Cirvidil, or dinoprostone, a cervix-softening vaginal insert every 4 hours. Its not horribly unpleasant to have applied but I will say it did take at least 3 doses for me to begin feeling any sort of consistent contractions. I began at around 8am, then again at 12pm and 4pm. My fourth and final dose took place at 8pm, at which time I hadn't had any pain medication and was feeling like I could breathe through the contractions quite well. Unlike my delivery with my daughter where I was bedridden and hooked up to a number of monitors and IV fluids, in this delivery I just had an insulin IV and some fluids which was portable, so I decided I'd try hopping in the tub to get some relief. 

With my usual luck, the bathtub in our birthing suite had no hot water. My determination to have a bath was quite fierce, so my wonderful delivery nurse and husband found two kettles and filled and boiled them continuously while I sat in a few inches of freezing cold water. I spent about 3 and a half hours in the tub and my contractions began coming on very regularly and quite painfully. At about 11pm I had a morphine injection and 2 gravol (anti-nausea medicine) to aid the immediate sickness that a morphine injection produces. The morphine certainly dulled the pain for a while, but by 11:30 I was ready to get out of the (finally) steaming hot bath and back into bed for a cervical check and a request for an epidural. I wasn't quite 6cm dilated, but was informed I wouldn't have to get to 10cm because of how small the baby was. I had an epidural and finally at close to midnight I was able to get some rest. I must have slept for about 20 minutes when I felt something between my legs, which turned out to be the amniotic sac. Mildly grossed out and intrigued I told the nurse who quickly checked and then called the OB in. For the record the OB who delivered my baby was my original OB for my first pregnancy and up until the bad news about our second pregnancy, so I was thrilled that she was working that night. She went to check and when she did the amniotic sac broke and finally my water had broken. She said it likely wouldn't be long now, and told me to rest some more until I felt anything else change. Maybe 30 minutes to an hour after my water had broken I felt a sharp pain on my lower right side, and slight pressure. I told the nurse and she turned the lights on, called my OB and another nurse came in the room to help.

I hadn't delivered a baby vaginally before, my first labour was an emergency C-Section so I wasn't very sure what to expect. My epidural with this baby meant I could still move my toes and feel things, just no pain. My doctor (how to put this sensitively...) inserted her fingers and told me to "push them out". I did what I thought that meant and it worked- much to my surprise. After 3 pushes our baby was born. My OB told us that it was a boy (we were shocked), the time was 12:49am, and he was brought up to my chest for skin-to-skin. It was a really positive moment actually, and we were so thrilled and excited to meet him despite knowing he was stillborn. The feelings themselves were very bittersweet. I was so proud of myself for having a positive VBAC delivery, relieved that the pain was over, and so happy to hold our baby, our son, in my arms. He was so warm, so tiny, and he had the most perfect fingers and toes you've ever seen. 

We named him Jack. We both held him and I cried and kissed his little head. Our parents came in the middle of the night to meet him. And then, a moment I hadn't really thought about arrived. He was getting cold now, and although he was wrapped in a blanket there was no way I'd ever get him warm again. At about 4:30am we asked our lovely nurse to take him away. At the time the decision wasn't as difficult as I feel it is now. We were exhausted, we hadn't put him down, and yet I felt there was nothing more I could do for him. She said she would take pictures of him for us, and they'd put together a box with items for Jack that we would be given when we left in the morning. We said our goodbyes, the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, and just like that, our son had gone. 

Much to my surprise I fell into a very deep sleep until 7am rolled around, at which point my catheter was removed (no recollection that it had been inserted), I was able to walk and use the bathroom, we were handed our box of Jacks items, and led down a quiet hallway to the elevators where we made our way home. Very wisely we were encouraged to leave just before the hospital started getting busy, and we really didn't see many people as we left which was amazing. 

I cannot thank the staff at LHSC in London, Ontario enough for all that they did when our son was born.

We think of Jack everyday. We miss him endlessly. We love him so much.